Saturday, May 30, 2009

Chronicles of Buntington - Shittylandlordosis anonymous (I)

Hi, my name is Berry and I suffer from shittylandlordosis. I own a decent house in Buntington. I've been renting it out for quite a while now. Currently, three silly girls live there- Bee, Bips and Bing. Why are they silly you ask? They signed off their souls to me in the most binding house lease that has ever existed (get this, they can NEVER break the lease, EVER: unless they die or something). These girls are good tenants, but they want to move out at the end of the lease. When Bee called me to say she needed to break the lease a few months ago, I went berserk on her. I think she chickened out. I always behave like a psycho and immediately people don't want to deal with me and give in. This is the ace up my sleeve. If she hadn't, there is the binding agreement that I would have waved in their faces which says they have to pay the severely overpriced rent of 1800$/month (without utilities ;)) whether they live there or not for the rest of lease period. After that drama quickly ended, they announced to me in April that they want to move out when the lease expires. I recovered after a small heart-attack to tell them "Ok, whatever". The process of finding a tenant for my overpriced decent house is impossibly difficult. Scores and scores of families schedule to see the place. Then I send my incredibly hot wife, Bia, to show it to them. Only one score show up. Only one person calls back. Then they meet me and strangely leave the room within five minutes of talking to me, gagging quite evidently. For every score of people that leave gagging, one will walk back into the room saying he will take it. That is how I first met these girls. Sigh, such nice memories. 
My incredibly hot wife, Bia, while showing my overpriced decent place doesn't mention the problems the place has. These are my special instructions to her, she adds on a few tricks of her own like not taking down messages that people leave for me properly, pretending to not be involved etc. Sometimes, I wonder if this is because she is a smart, blonde Swede or because she is just plain stupid. I had Bia use a combination of the above tricks to hide the fact that my overpriced decent place has roaches (in the dishwasher.. hehehe). I think she first didn't tell the girls, then when the keen Bing saw them, she told her that it was a "minor problem that almost every kitchen has". The naive girls didn't pursue it. They were interested in other issues like the lack of closet doors, window screens, dysfunctional power outlets and such. To keep them appeased I fixed the outlets and for a whole year, I remained dense about the closets and screens. Clever, no? Bee would email me now and then about it. I trashed these emails immediately and told Bia to tell the girls that I never received it because of a technical problem. The dumb girls actually bought this. I mean, who DOESN'T receive an email, c'mon. 
Now that the girls want to move out I decided to harrass them about getting the overpriced decent house exterminated. They refused at first. Then I pulled out the ace psycho behavior. I wrote several redundant emails paying absolutely no heed to their replies. They kept telling me they told Bia about the problem and I never acknowledged it. It's all a part of the plan. Brilliant, no? These silly mollies gave me 3600$ in security. So my master plan was to not return a penny of this claiming some random repairs. By now, the girls are used to my psycho behavior and it is time to change tactics, so when they said they would do a self-extermination, I left a threatening voicemail on Bee's phone that I'll have them arrested if they didn't inform us of these treatments because there were tenants living downstairs. I don't know if this worked or not because they did call Bia and tell her they'll co-ordinate with the people downstairs. I am waiting to hear from them... I was so sure Bee would call me right back to argue about it. Bips is the quiet type but I know she is waiting to charge at me. I almost got slapped with a defamation suit because of Bips once. In one of my boring extempores of lousy past tenants, I mentioned to Bips and Bing that Bee was full of shit and nothing but trouble, in what I thought was a classic divide-and-rule move. But not only did they glare at me like I was a jackass (not that it had an effect, I had my shamelessness mask on), they also told Bee the proceedings of that extempore. I then had to call Bee and suck up like a starved dog that found an empty milk carton in the trash. Ah, the difficulties of this job. Having to come up with new ways to torture tenants is so hard. Finding new tenants is also hard. No one understands me. :(

But like a silver lining on the cloud, you know what makes all this fun for me? 
All three of them are grad students.

Muhahahhaha... haha... muhahahaha.

What I'm wearing: Sloppy black t-shirt, torn jeans
What Bia is wearing: Short, short, short dress


10 comments:

Eugene said...

Just when I thought your blog couldn't get any funnier, you proved me wrong...again.

Pesto Sauce said...

Guess landlords are same world over

Arvind Suresh said...

Sigh. I thought only advisors had the right to treat grad students like that. Now landlords too.

psst.. how about a pound of C4 plastic explosive inside the house when you leave?

Sandeep said...

Don't know what an appropriate comment would be.

Deepu Vasudevan said...

@Eugene
Funny? You think this is funny? :P

@Pesto
Yep, they pretty much are.

@Vinda
I know!!
We've thought of a lot of such ideas and we're waaay past explosives. We realize he'll get insurance money with that. So we're thinking rigging paint cans on all doors to mess with the carpets. What say?

@Sandeep
"Awww, you poor girl. I own a house on Long Island and you can live there rent free!"
There you go, I wrote it out for you.

lallopallo said...

Cool!!!!Must I say that you have an amazing sense of humor my dear! Landlords are jerks..9 out of 10 times atleast..from my experience, it's always better to rent in a large building, where there is proper management etc, rather than in a home where one landlord controls the whole management.
Well, good luck with him..if you want, I can come there and break his legs, but am not sure you prefer violent methods..because if you did, Iam sure by now you would have done it by yourself. :)
Hey bud, have you thought of moving to wordpress? Apart from many other advantages, it will be easier for me also to follow your blog.

Sandeep said...

haha.. You can go ahead and own a house for me at Long Island. ;)

Chriz said...

who stole my red underwear? i am still searching

Deepu Vasudevan said...

@Dev

I like having a yard and a door that opens to the sun so apartments are a little too cramped for me. But everyone seems to think that landlords are this way. That is both assuring and disappointing, I was hoping on some level that there is a *nice* landlord out there. I've toyed around with the idea of moving to wordpress for a while now. I think I'll start a pilot blog and see how that goes before moving! But you can use RSS to follow me. Google rocks. \m/

@Sandeep
:(

@Chriz
I am so tempted to mark your comment as spam, but you remind me of my landlord who also doles out such irrelevant facts so I'll publish you for the entertainment quotient. About the underwear, try the washer/dryer. Also, try a different color.

DPhatsez said...

lookin at Bia..(drool drool)