Tuesday, July 24, 2007

They know not life who know not this.

As much as the creator didn’t intend it to happen, the downfall of relationships is inevitable and can cause more damage than any wand wielded by any wizard of any caliber. I see men, so hopeless in their lust for their own obsessions. So vain, conspiring and conniving to achieve their ambitions that they throw aside people and things that could be more worthy achievements and ambitions than the ones they pursue. How these men shall never even realize what fools they have been magnifies their foolishness all the more. I stand outside the frames that bind these pictures to walls of perceived emotions and laugh haughtily at their ignorance. It was the bliss proffered with that ignorance and innocence that tempted me into painting myself into those pictures. Then knowledge and its acceptance nudged themselves in with time. Some call it resigning, some resentment and some more detachment. But unless you stand where I do, see what I see, think what I think and be who I am, it is absolutely impossible to understand. As I type this, some famous smells come and go in my memory – people as I had remembered by their smells, their odors, the chemicals that their bodies exuded uniquely. I feel almost like a fox sans the light-footedness.

I see the world as it is has presented itself to me and I try not to make a generalization. I make an honest effort to not group people under umbrellas of opinions and judgment. But as I said, I write them as they have presented themselves to me. Creatures who are interested primarily in their affairs and more so, who are consciously willing to scar others who sometimes willingly present themselves to be beguiled. I am not going to wear a halo and will admit that I have been involved in instances where I ’presented’ myself on either side of the argument.

I am visiting the only true friends there are – in books and fairy tales. There is no trustworthy person. There is no one who would go all out for anyone. No one is selfless and certainly not considerate.

The world is a tricky place to live in for those who believe in friendship, true or otherwise. And its simply hell for those who don’t.

COLOR: Midnight blue (for a reason)
SONG: Na jaane kabse ummeedein kuch baaki hai (Jal)

Thursday, July 19, 2007

What you don't know cannot hurt you.

Whoever said that sure thought it through a lot. It is one of the patronizing statements that people make when they don't want you to know something that you obviously should know. I am not writing this because I am outraged that people don't tell me things that rightfully belong in my head, but because I am not telling people what rightfully should be in theirs. And this is not a confession, since a confession can be made only when the victim knows not, and boy, do my victims know.
I have taken a liking to being alone these days. Maybe I am growing up or maybe I am just finding new interests. I want to get back to art. I still remember the one vacation in Delhi that I spent making two paintings, there were brushes, tubes of paint, varnish, gold powder, cotton swabs, isographs, stained newspapers strewn all over the living room. It was only because the paintings looked rather good that my mother didn't complain about the mess I was making. These days, my room looks too clean - it needs some color. I think I might paint something after coming back from India. Another thing I have fallen into is procrastination. I try to postpone everything - I really mean EVERYTHING. From running a gel to using the restroom. I always have some thoughts that I chew cud over.

Some thoughts that have dwelt in my mind recently,

- If you want me to apologize, you must be ready to accept it and not counter it with something like "you don't mean that".
- If I am not telling you something, it is because I don't want you to know it. Its plain and simple.
- If we all just let people around us do what they want, then no one would be happy.

COLOR: The green in those neon lights
SONG: You're too good to be true (Four Seasons)

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Pushed to page two.

Since I have recently been commended for writing meaningful and (ahem) sensible things in my posts, I will try to keep the trend. But I am not going to promise. As I always say, an angry man cannot write - he can only vent. I am not sure if what I am feeling right now is anger, but for lack of a better word I'll call it that.

New flowers bloom and fill the air with their freshness
As old ones dry away in between pages of books
Memories come together in oneness
And the water is deeper than it looks.

It might seem like irrelevance to someone who doesn't know me and pure bullshit to those who do. Its your call.

COLOR: A light purplish pink
SONG: Unna vida (Virumandi)

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Twice a day :O

This is proof that I have grown up .
That I realize that I don't have to throw a tantrum to get what I want. That I can simply get up and get it for myself. I don't need anyone to walk me through my life anymore. I could use some company on the way, but I can live it for myself. I don't need a cage. I don't need my wings snipped. I dislike being controlled and I dislike being a rebel more. So I simply don't pay heed.
I realize that I have knowingly hurt people - and that there are some instances for which I am not even apologetic. I am not sure if this makes me a bad person but I don't have a justification because I have not thought of one. I am not going to think of one either.
I realize that I don't have to be the nicest person in the world. I am allowed to be a little mean - everyone is. I know that because I have been hurt and I am not willing to judge if that was wanton or not.
I realize that when you try to save your pride, then you are letting it fall further in your own eyes.
I realize there are things worse than telling your mom that you made a mistake and now that you realize it you want to move on. She will understand, as always.
I realize that good friends are a rarity and that you musn't count your blessings.
I realize when you have to think really hard to remember the fun you had, then it doesn't count as a memory.
I realize that when you have to sacrifice one thing for another, both things are not worth it.
I realize I can probably never love uninhibitedly as I grow older. Primarily because the more of the world I see, the more I expect and expectations can only ruin things.
I realize that wisdom doesn't have to come with age, but then its okay if it takes time.
I realize that when some of your best efforts go down the drain, then its for a purpose. A part of a bigger plan and the missing piece in a jigsaw puzzle that will eventually fit.
I realize everything doesn't have to be reciprocated. Your camera can choose not to like you.
I realize when I sleep over things, then they always seem less poignant in the morning.
I realize how grateful I am for those moments when I felt like I've achieved something.
I realize the importance of all this knowledge when I am in doubt, and more so when I am sure.

I have grown up. I would have given you a big hug if you were here now. But its good that you aren't - else, I would have never grown up.

Exploding skies.

Thats what I saw last night. The sky exploding with lights and sounds in colors that seemed so new to my 22 year old brain. Golden showers and sparkles, grandeur and money all being recklessly (but splendidly) spent to celebrate July the fourth. I don't know why Independence day is such a big deal in the States, they weren't even a colony. They didn't have to fight for it nor did they have to struggle to be heard on the international platform. But you don't have to sell patriotism to the Americans, they show it in everything they own. Cars, houses, streets, napkins - everywhere. The blue, white and red colors are so common if you start *observing*. When I first started noticing, it was on CinchSak garbage bags. Then the Pepsi label. Samuel Adams. America's choice, Pathmark - they are everywhere.
I wonder if Indians are equally patriotic (if this is patriotism to begin with) and just don't show it. I know I am more Indian than ever when I am in the States. But is that a common sentiment?

COLOR: Blue, white and red.
SONG: God Bless America